I started going to the gym again to day and I'm totally exhausted. Can't. Write. Anymore.

I'm so tired right now. Like tired tired, extremely tired. I'm worrying so much. K has a 38-39-40 degree fever. I wish he'll get well as soon as possible.

I feel so fucked up. I don't know. It's just that I mis somebody badly it fucking hurts so bad I'm, like bleeding and I feel like dying and the most fucked up thing with this shit I'm feeling right now is the fact that the more painful it is for me, the more this feeling become stronger and I'm bleeding to death, but pain has never felt this good. Seriously, I can't understand a thing with myself right now but I'm comfortable with it. It's just that everytime I'm alone or even if I'm not, I feel like something wants to explode out of my chest and it's something I can't control. Jesus, I can't control it but being submissive to this feeling has never felt this good. If you knew me early last year to mid september, and see me now, you'd be blind not to notice a change in me. And I'm not talking about outside appearance. Some within me changed and That's for the good of it. Ugh. I can't seem to handle this feeling but somehow, I could. And that's the stuff I can't get.

Anyway, I did compose two songs today and this is his songs. I made them for him. I just hope he likes them and I hope his expectations aren't that high because I'm not that great of a song writer and I'm still learning. He gave the first song a title "Tonight", which was done last January 20. The other song is still untitled but I'm sure he'll give a title to that later tonight.

So yeah, we did stay at The Manila Peninsula Hotel last saturday and for the first time in two months and for the first time he did give me a real kiss. Those are the stuff that I swear to God that I won't forget until my dying day.

I was supposed to go to frankfurt this February but I can't. I feel so fucked up, good thing he's there yesterday and we shared a dinner together with some of his friends. They did cheer me up. Without that, I think I'll be totally devastated and be totally fucked up. Well, I'm fucked up right now, but not totally. Thanks to his presence. I love him so much.

Well, nothing special's happening in my life right now. But yeah, no news is good news, right? I don't know. Well, see you all around.

Had this extremely rough night last night. We were actually having fun with each other before that happened. We were walking inside some mobile phone store and suddenly my cousin's ex came in and I just had to avoid her. See, I'm not out in my family nobody knows except my friends at school. And from the way I see it, K was freaked out because he has to avoid people and he doesn't want his actions dictated by it. You see, his actions isn't but but mine is. If my family knew I'm gay, they wouldn't let me see him again, and if that happens, I'd rather take my life and drop dead than not see him.I love him so much. So yeah, my week is over and I have to start counting days again. I still have seven days to go as of today. A long wait. Good thing he won't be as busy as he was last week so I reckon we could talk like we used to. I think that'd help because I miss him. I miss him already. I wish I'm by his side always. So yeah, I guess thats about it for now.

Nothing special with my life right now. But I've been doing some thinking, and I tried to narrow things down and it came to this: I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PLACE MYSELF! ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE BUSINESS IN THIS WORLD. There. That's why. I'm so fucking confused and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say and I don't know what to feel. Fuck it.

Hi. You know those times that you just stare blankly at the horizon with a fuck-it-I-don't-know-what-to-do face? I've got a fair share of that today. You know why? It's because I don't reall know what to do. I fucking don't know. I miss him. I miss him bad and fuck it, I don't know. I can't understand anything. Not even myself. There's just too much going on right now that I can't-- ugh. I don't know. Fuck it.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!

...too lazy to type anything right now.