I feel so fucked up. I don't know. It's just that I mis somebody badly it fucking hurts so bad I'm, like bleeding and I feel like dying and the most fucked up thing with this shit I'm feeling right now is the fact that the more painful it is for me, the more this feeling become stronger and I'm bleeding to death, but pain has never felt this good. Seriously, I can't understand a thing with myself right now but I'm comfortable with it. It's just that everytime I'm alone or even if I'm not, I feel like something wants to explode out of my chest and it's something I can't control. Jesus, I can't control it but being submissive to this feeling has never felt this good. If you knew me early last year to mid september, and see me now, you'd be blind not to notice a change in me. And I'm not talking about outside appearance. Some within me changed and That's for the good of it. Ugh. I can't seem to handle this feeling but somehow, I could. And that's the stuff I can't get.

Anyway, I did compose two songs today and this is his songs. I made them for him. I just hope he likes them and I hope his expectations aren't that high because I'm not that great of a song writer and I'm still learning. He gave the first song a title "Tonight", which was done last January 20. The other song is still untitled but I'm sure he'll give a title to that later tonight.

So yeah, we did stay at The Manila Peninsula Hotel last saturday and for the first time in two months and for the first time he did give me a real kiss. Those are the stuff that I swear to God that I won't forget until my dying day.

I was supposed to go to frankfurt this February but I can't. I feel so fucked up, good thing he's there yesterday and we shared a dinner together with some of his friends. They did cheer me up. Without that, I think I'll be totally devastated and be totally fucked up. Well, I'm fucked up right now, but not totally. Thanks to his presence. I love him so much.